Rest in Peace (I think not)

Alright. Anyone who is a rabid devotee of reality television (aren't they all?) should look away right now, because they are bound to misinterpret whatever I say (although I intend to pull no punches).

Watching Britain's Missing Top Model (my excuse is that it was at one in the morning and my brains were fried), I realised something I'd already known but was just too unfocused to put into actual words: 'reality' television is dying.

It is. Like a virus that kills its host before it can move on to another (yes, I am aware of the similarity to Agent Smith's slur on the human race: it is intended), 'reality' television is now belching the last of its poisoned programming onto TV before it finally bites the dust. About time, too.

I put 'reality' in quotes like that because 'reality' television is anything but. It is about as real as putting two bunny rabbits in a REALLY tiny cage and then poking them with sticks - it just doesn't happen in real life. Sure, people tee off at one another in reality, but then they go away and enjoy themselves and all the tension is dissipated: 'reality' TV shows, Big Brother being the absolute worst of them all (primarily because it is a virus of the kind that jumps from victim to victim long before it kills their brain), coop up the participants and store all that ill-feeling in a bottomless well of anger, hate and misery.

The most depressing thing about it by far is the way the producers who make these sad excuses for programmes continue to do so, trying to squeeze every last penny's worth of money out of it. Why does the phrase 'flogging a dead horse' suddenly spring to mind? Watching Britain's Missing Top Model made me wonder what their offices must be like in between programmes:

'Alright, where's the list of freaks we can laugh at and exploit?'

'Here it is. What about fat people?

'Nah, done them.'

'Skinny people?'

'Done them too.'

'Poor people?'

'Done that.'

'Ugly people?'

'Bought the T-shirt.'

'The disabled?'

'...Oh my God, I can see it now! We get a bunch of disabled girls and make them undergo a crash-course in the fashion industry! How funny would that be?!'

Although, to be honest, 'reality' television doesn't really need freaks (I use that word because, to these TV producers, that's basically what they are) to be successful, because Big Brother has proved definitively that normal people can be mentally f***ed-up to make up for not looking like mutants.

Oh, I know! I've got a really good idea for a 'reality' TV show! Alright, here's my recipe for the perfect 'reality' television show:

1. Get any number of people together in a space that is clearly too small for them. Make sure there are plenty of freaks, both physically and mentally twisted. Tie them up in awkward and painful positions, just to get them riled up. Once they're good and psyched, offer them a billion pounds for winning to give them motivation.

2. In the First Round, you win by getting the most points. How do you get points? By making people cry - but, of course, all the 'contestants' (read: nut-jobs) are tied up. So how do you get points? That's right: they have to vocally insult each other until the more mentally sensitive ones break down and cry as pitifully as possible, right in front of live cameras. Wouldn't that be such fun?

3. The Second and Last Round: the ones who cried in the previous round are released, and are given blunt, rusty and otherwise ineffective but extremely bloody weapons. They are given the choice of 1: killing the mean people or 2: not killing them, but then having to defend themselves from the mean people who are suddenly untied and wielding vastly superior weapons, say, automatic rifles, or chainsaws, if we really want to get the blood spurting.

4. Finally, any Winners (or Survivors; it comes down to the same thing in the end) are tied down again. What? Oh, you want money? Too bad. There never was any. See you next week!

Yes, I know what you're thinking: 'This person is sick. Seriously, he's like that psychopath Jigsaw from the Saw movies. He's come up with sadistic ways to torture people beyond sanity. I hope there aren't more like him.'

There are more like me, but you needn't worry: they're working safely in 'reality' television.